If fake nails = life, this is for you...
There aren’t many things in life that we make lifelong commitments to - and the things we do tend to be pretty serious and thought-out, like joining a convent or giving up the beers to become straight edge.
I, however, seem to have made a lifelong commitment to fake nails.
From the very first time I saw the brush pick up the acrylic and transform my podgy, Donald Trump-esque grabbers into the super-polished, put together, girl-knows-her-shit hands I’d always longed for, I became a slave to the extension.
Yes my own nails are in a terrible state, but to be fair, they always were.
If this is all sounding more than a little familiar, here are 7 more things you’ll only know if you’re in a committed relationship with acrylic nails…
1. You’re on first name terms with your technician
Not only that, but you know where they grew up, what they studied at uni, their second cousin once removed's boyfriend’s name, their hopes, dreams, biggest fears, and what they want for Christmas for the next five years. Bonus points if, like me, you know all of this despite the fact you just go to one of those walk-in places.
2. You constantly get asked how you manage with your nails THAT long
Truth be told, Susan, I don’t, but I’ve committed to this life now. Who cares if I can’t really type and I have a 20,000 word dissertation due in two weeks? We learn to adapt. The strong survive. Don’t make me poke your eyes out.
3. You also get: “You’ve got nails, could you open/ undo/ peel (delete as applicable) this for me?”
Probably not, have you seen the length of them? We don’t do this for functionality. Also, as soon as you try and do something remotely helpful for someone, they’ll definitely break. Which brings me on to….
4. You know that breaking a fake nail is 1000 x worse than breaking a real one
I’m lucky, I was about five years into my relationship with fake nails before I experienced the horror of a truly painful breakage. But OH MY GOD did it hurt when it finally happened. Almost enough to put me off. Almost. I also have a pretty gruesome story about when I got bitten by a dog and it somehow managed to get between my nail and finger and I had to have the acrylic removed - A&E, laughing gas, anaesthetic – it was NOT pretty. But did that stop me? No, because I am a warrior. And 9/10 times the worst thing about breaking them is just the inconvenience of it all.
5. You know your colour options like the back of your hand
Firstly you have decide whether to go for gels or not. Yes, gel is more expensive, but we all know it has the better colour range. But then if you fork out for gels on your hands you’ll need your toes done to match, and that’s even more money. Then you have to pick an actual shade. Despite the fact you know every colour by heart, you spend the first 15 minutes of every appointment going through the swatches, sending them to multiple people for second opinions before, inevitably, opting for something you’ve had a million times before.
6. Your technician doesn’t even bother asking what shape you want
It’s coffin or GTFO. We don’t have time for squares here.
7. You’re well versed in the week-before-payday infills or redo debate
The fact is, one costs double the other. You ask your technician what they recommend, hoping for the best. Inevitably they say you absolutely must have them taken off and redone to rebalance them. You squirm a little, but ultimately agree. After all, you’ve made a commitment. You can survive off Super Noodles for another week.
๐ธ Pictures courtesy of the amazing Anouska Scarlet Anastasia Ryan.
