Living in a house share sounds all kinds of great at first. You can split the rent till it's affordable, there will always be people to hang out with, you’ll eat together every night; it’s basically Friends in the making! You think. Except it’s not, is it?
It’s someone else’s hair in the plug hole every.fucking.time you get in the shower. It’s playing rubbish Buckaroo on top of a full bin because no one will take it out. It’s empty milk cartons put back in the fridge, beauty products going missing, and finding out the guy you thought you might have startlingly average sex with when you’re lonely is actually a dirty plate hoarder.
You’re going to get angry, that’s a given, but your deeply ingrained fear of confrontation will prevent you from expressing it in a healthy way. Enter: passive aggressive notes.
Don’t have time to carefully craft your own? Help yourself to one of ours:
1. For the toiletries thief
2a. For the one who takes your food from the fridge – the ‘still on OK terms’ option
"SUPER FUN HOUSEMATE QUIZ!!!
Is the food you’re about to take out of the fridge yours? Y/N
If Y – Great, go ahead. Hope it’s the dish of your dreams.
If N – Have you run out of food?
If Y – Go and buy some food.
If N – Have you asked if you can eat this food?
If Y – Great, go ahead. Hope it’s the dish of your dreams.
If N – Put it back, go to your room and have a little think about why you’re like this."
__________________________
2b. For the one who takes your food from the fridge – The ‘sick of this shit’ option
"I have licked precisely one item on this shelf. Are you willing to take the risk?"
__________________________
3. For the one who stinks up the microwave
__________________________
4. For the one who plays their music too loud
"I love that you feel we’re close enough to share playlists. Maybe we can do it via Spotify instead of through the wall?"
__________________________
5. For the one who leaves their stuff everywhere
__________________________
6. For the toilet roll thief
I am deeply saddened to inform you that my generous spirit has died. You killed it when you repeatedly took my Poundland's finest.
Please send funeral donations via Paypal to: Stop_stealingmyfuckinglooroll69@hotmail.com
__________________________
7. For the one who thinks you don’t know they use your makeup (to be hidden in your makeup bag/drawer)
"I know it’s you..."
__________________________
8. For the one person who never, ever clears up after themselves
"The year is 2164. Society has fallen. Hungry survivors tear food from the hands of children, the water has been rendered undrinkable by opportunistic chemical dealers, and the frail and the elderly are shunned as burdens. A team of academics assemble to try and chase the roots of society’s downfall; the exact moment at which selfishness surpassed compassion. Months pass and finally they emerge with a scroll and address the masses: 'It all began when [insert name here] thought they were too important to wash their own dishes...'."
__________________________
9. For the person who never puts the rent into the shared account on time
__________________________
10. For the people who never put stuff back in the proper place
"Here’s an easy rhyme to remember where stuff goes:
'If it came from the cupboard, put it back there
If it came from the drawer, put it back there
If it came from the fridge, put it back there.'
Oh sorry, that didn’t rhyme because I was too busy searching the entire house for one single spoon."
__________________________
11. For the one who clogs the train with their hair
I found your pet rat in the shower. Don’t worry though, I popped it on your pillow for you ☺
__________________________
12. BONUS NOTE to be used in only the most extreme circumstances
Illustrations: Hailey Hamilton
