Making friends in adulthood isn't always easy, but Beth Sandland has some hard-learned tips...
Sometimes I envy my childhood self: the lack of responsibility, the freedom, the Tammy Girl leggings, and most of all, my ability to make friends as easily as I played with my Baby Annabelle.
See the thing is, approaching a stranger in the park and opening with: “Hi, I’m Beth! I’m 22 and three quarters, my favourite colour is pink and I really like spaghetti!” is more likely to get me arrested than it is a new pal to hang out with. It’s curious that the older we get, the more and more self-conscious we grow. Gone is that infantile sense of bravery; we are inhibited by our own self-doubt coupled with the desperate need to be liked and an intense fear of rejection. A recipe for new friendship, it does not make.
Yet adulthood is perhaps the time in life when we most need to be surrounded by friends. The comfort of family and school friends close by ebbs away, whether due to geography or to situational life changes, and we often find ourselves plunged into the realms of Real Life Adulting, lonelier than ever.
When we’re younger friendships are often formed for us, or out of convenience. Your mum invites a family friend’s similarly-aged child for supper, you get on with the girl who sits next to you in maths (purely because your surnames are side by side on the register), you spend multiple hours a week at clubs and activities organised by your parents. Making friends as an adult is a bit like that first ever food shop you do for yourself after you leave home: you know how to feed yourself, perhaps even to cook well, and yet you find yourself in a supermarket in Tottenham buying packet mix Barbie cupcakes for dinner (true story).
This year, as far as the new friendship headcount goes, I’ve done pretty well for myself. A combination of the internet, my job as a blogger and more confidence in my sense of self, has brought a handful of wonderful people into my life - and I didn't even have to bribe them with a shiny Pokemon card in the playground.
So how do you do it? How do you make new friends in adulthood?
I think first and foremost you’ve got to assess what kind of people you want to bring into your life and whether the vibe you’re putting out there will attract the tribe you so desire. Understanding what kind of person I am and what I have to offer as a friend - I don’t always text back, but I’m fiercely loyal, I’m always ten minutes late, but I’ll never forget your birthday, sometimes I’m too honest, but you’ll always know I’m telling the truth - helped me to appreciate the kind of people I want to surround myself with.
Stage two is a lot scarier because it involves actually putting yourself out there. I’ve made a lot of friends via social media, my favourite story of which involves my friend Becca. I put out an Instagram story with the cheeky hope of gaining access to a private swimming pool one gloriously hot spring afternoon. Honestly, I wasn’t looking for a friend, just a dip. Becca responded and offered to take me as her guest - an action I’ve since learned was completely out of character for her too - and despite both of our initial hesitation at spending time with a total stranger (in swimwear!) we ended up chatting and drinking rose poolside until the sun set. A few months on? I can call her one of my best friends and next year I’m going to her wedding.
It might sound scary, but I really recommend reaching out to people online with similar interests, or joining a new class or club and making an effort to actually talk to the other members. Strike up conversation with the woman next to you at the hairdressers. Don’t let the fear of rejection hold you back from suggesting that coffee, because chances are the other person is as keen to make friends as you are, and if they’re not, well then never mind: perhaps it just isn't meant to be. What I’ve learned is that it never hurts to ask.
Friendship is a bit like dating, and the worst thing that can possibly happen is that you’ll waste 30 minutes and £3 on someone who isn’t quite right for you. When you put it that way, it doesn't seem quite as daunting anymore, does it?
