If you've got a minute, I'd like to ask you a quick but crucial question: have you ever had a big wank and felt crap after?
No, not just that general self-loathing and grubby feeling that greets you after those Sunday morning hangover wanks; everybody gets that, that's fine. I'm talking about the feeling of inadequacy that arises from comparing your body to porn. Or to Hollywood, to sculpted humans for whom ‘sporting a gleaming 6-pack’, 'being 100% cellulite-free' or 'having a dong you could genuinely hammer a tent peg with’ is their entire livelihood.
The internet is awash with thinkpieces exploring the negative effects of porn on our perception of bodies – both our own, and the people we sleep with. However, most of these brief forays into the politics of porn end up saying the same thing – that porn is Very Bad – without offering a solution. Usually these nail-biting, porn-fearing discussions end with a sentiment along the lines of ‘we must be brave, and discuss porn more candidly’… eh.
I am here to tell you there is a better solution to combating porn’s impact on body image; there is a path out of this dark forest of towering wangs and immaculate labia. The answer, my friend, is to do as the Germans do. We must get naked together.
There is a better solution to combating porn’s impact on our self-image. The answer, is to do as the Germans do. We must get naked together.
So then: another friendly question. Have you, by any chance, ever whipped your genitals out in public?
I'll answer for you: yes you have, because we are a nation of drunken imbeciles. But what about sober? Have you ever been publicly nude without first consuming one of those pitchers that Wetherspoons insist is a 'cocktail' but is actually just four WKDs and some ice? For the vast majority of us the answer is no, because this is the United Kingdom darling and, unless we are absolutely smashed off our tits, we generally keep said tits under lock and key. But we're foolish.
The thing to remember is that when everybody is naked, nobody is
When I moved to Berlin I discovered that in Germany, public nudity is acceptable, normal, and comfortable. At the height of summer at lakes and shorelines across the country, you will find men and women padding around in nothing but a pair of sunglasses. In the winter months, clothing-free saunas are ideal bonding places for friends, colleagues, and even family members. Seeing one another naked is a typical part of German life, and – trust me – embracing this wonderful aspect of their culture can massively alter your porn-sculpted notion of what a human body looks like.
Last summer I attended more than a couple of nude lakes and saunas myself. It was an uncomfortable thought, baring my all to an assembly of complete strangers; obviously when you first get your kit off and stroll past the ranks of sun loungers with nothing against your skin but the gentle caress of the wind, the urge to scurry away and cower in the shadows like a loincloth-deprived Gollum is powerful. The thing to remember however, is that when everybody is naked, nobody is. If you can take a deep breath and assure yourself that nobody actually gives one solitary shit about your wobbly bits, there is so much to be learned.
Seeing the full spectrum of natural human bodies can only be healthy. By witnessing a host of differing bodies you might begin to realise that, however you’re put together, you’re smashing the way you are.
Seeing the full spectrum of natural human bodies can only be healthy. By forcing yourself out of your comfort zone, bearing witness to a host of differing bodies – and unabashedly flaunting your own in the process - you might just begin to realise that, however you’re put together, you’re bloody smashing just the way you are.
So get out there, my friend. Drop your kecks and stride out into the world, and gaze in wonder at all the asymmetrical bollocks and the jiggling tits, at all the wonderful quivering arses, the wobbling bellies and the stretch-marked backs, the shoulders with freckles, the cankles and cellulite thighs; all of it on show, unabashed and brilliant, human and healthy. You are you, old sport, so whatever you were allotted in the great fleshy celestial tombola, own it.
Everybody that loves you loves you because you are unique and you are wonderful and nobody, nobody in all the world is normal – and sometimes, the only way to truly realise that is to stare down the assembled barrels of 10,000 cocks.
