How to spot your nightmare housemate before it’s too late

How to spot your nightmare housemate before it’s too late

Don't sign a THING until you've read this

Every student house has a resident knobhead. And as the legend goes, if you think you haven’t got one… chances are, it’s you.

But it can be hard to tell if someone’s just eccentric or downright evil when you’ve only really known them for two months, you have limited mates anyway, you need to settle who you're living with next year RIGHT NOW and you’re feeling pressured into signing a dubious contract because the estate agent has “three viewings for this property tomorrow!” 

So here are some classic warning signs that your Freshers’ bestie is destined to turn into your worst enemy. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

They claim all of their exes are ‘psychos’

We’ve all had our fair share of nightmare exes, but really? All five of them are ‘psychos’? If you find your housemate-to-be complaining about how cray 100% of their exes are, chances are, they were cray for a reason. Get out of there before they send you packing too.

You’ll realise you only ever go to stuff that they’ve chosen

“We’re so lucky we have similar taste!” – but, hang on, didn’t you choose this thing we're at? Didn’t you veto my suggestion of Cirque the other week because it “isn’t cool anymore”? Have we ever actually gone to something that you didn’t suggest? Probs not – it’s their way or no way.

They won’t pay you back for the taxi

“Cheers, I’ll send it tomorrow.” ‘Tomorrow’ is twat-language for NEVER. If you tentatively try to bring it up in a few weeks’ time, they’ll either say “but it was only £6, I would never ask you for that” (they so would) or “yeah but I got you a drink so it evened out”. And then you’re left wondering how a £1 sambuca shot you didn’t ask for = a £6 taxi, and if they’re really doing a maths degree.

They’ll borrow your clothes, but their wardrobe is harder to get into than Narnia

They never return your clothes, and when you ask for them back they tell you “it’s in the wash”. It so isn’t – it’s balls-deep in their bottom drawer. And if you find yourself asking to borrow that sparkly playsuit they’ll shoot you down with an “aw babe, I was planning on wearing it!”. Then inevitably turn up in jeans.

They’ll either be a clean freak or a massive slob

Admittedly this is hard to spot if you don’t see where they live before you’re living with them, but do your research. They’re either going to have a full-scale rage over crumbs by the toaster, or they’re going to leave their dirty plates out until they’re growing mould. If they’re a clean freak, they’ll make passive aggressive comments about how they’re “the only one who takes the bins out” and believe that a full surface wipe-down every day is reasonable. Or else they won’t understand how a dishwasher works and they’ll eat doughnuts without a plate. The fun part is finding out which.

They have worryingly few friends from home

She’ll confide in you about how her best friend back home did something awful and turned everyone against her and now she has no friends; he’ll complain about how all his mates ditched him for Tinder dates. No one ever comes to visit them, and they never visit anyone. Thank god they have you, eh?

There’ll be more meltdowns on nights out than strictly necessary

The second they feel the attention move off themselves, they’ll do something unnecessarily dramatic to put the limelight back on No.1. Getting off with a stranger, accepting a mysterious white powder from a random guy, punching a wall, starting a fight in the loo queue, bursting into tears – whatever it takes. 

Your friends from home will hate them

They’ll love everyone else, but they’ll find something a bit grating about your future flatmate. They may not be able to put their finger on it, but there’s something… disturbing about them. You’ve probably become blind to their bitchy ways, but an objective pair of eyes will see right through them. Listen to your friends before that tenancy agreement is in your hand. They’ll be right.