It's time to talk about suicidal thoughts

It's time to talk about suicidal thoughts

You are not alone

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. A day to open a dialogue and reduce the stigma around suicide and mental health. Here's why reaching out to friends is so important today, and beyond... 

On Friday, news broke of rapper Mac Miller’s tragic death following an overdose. Whenever a celebrity dies, they are likely to leave behind them a huge storm of media attention and hundreds of heartbroken fans, but Mac’s death hit me harder than most.

When I was younger I struggled hugely with depression, spending most of my evenings sitting on tumblr reblogging images of razors and collarbones and other rather morbid things. However, it was also through tumblr that I found Mac’s music - a little tongue-in-cheek, relatable, ray of sunshine in a black and white newsfeed.

 

Mac helped me through some dark times, but I think the news of his death hit me so hard because very recently I came the closest I have ever come to overdosing, and the shock of losing a hero (who, musically seemed to be doing a lot more positively after a history of substance abuse) in the same way and the aftermath of devastation that follows has really pushed me to stop and think.

My first exposure to the concept of suicide didn’t come from myself, but one of my best friends. I think he’d be cool with me saying that he didn’t have the easiest childhood - he had incredibly stormy relationships with his parents and ran away from home a number of times. I’ve always been an extremely sensitive person and I’d check on him regularly to make sure he was doing okay.

One night, late, he called me. He said he was standing on a chair with a tie around his neck.

I must have spent at least an hour pleading with him that night not to do it. Long story short, he didn’t, but some of the things he said that night really resonated with me. I was unhappy myself, with cuts on my arms, but at the time had never intended to kill myself. Suddenly I thought, shit, what if things do just get worse?

My second brush with suicidal thoughts was with another friend in college. In tragic circumstances, she had just lost her boyfriend. A few months earlier, I’d noticed cuts on her arms, so one day after class I grabbed her, showed her mine, and we just cried a little together. After the news broke about her boyfriend, I made sure I was around as much as I possibly could be.

One day she came in bleeding, so I bandaged her arms when the school nurse was rubbish at putting on bandages. Another time, the school asked me to go to her first counselling session with her. I stayed with her in town after school until I had to get my bus to make sure she didn’t buy too many packs of paracetamol. I hid the knives in her home when she told me there was one under her pillow. Years later, she’s doing good. She has a home and a son and a lot to live for.

 

I don’t take credit for helping to ‘save’ either of them. They both managed to regain control and really make something of their lives, and I’m immensely proud of them both. What I did take away from it, however, was a strange sensation of guilt; guilt for feeling the way I did having not been through half of what they had, guilt in the knowledge that I didn’t think that I could actively go through with an attempt myself, and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness from not being able to communicate any of this.

I think it was either on my second or third course of therapy that I decided to bring up how I felt.

“Sometimes I think about what it would be like to just stop existing. Does that count as a suicidal thought?”

“Yes.”

“I just think it would be easier for a lot of people. Sometimes I feel like I’m a burden and people would be better off without me. I joke about killing myself a lot. Like, something will go wrong and I’ll be like, ‘hahaha I hope I get hit by a bus,’ and then it’ll sit with me and I’ll I won’t look when I cross a road later that day or something.”

I also told my therapist that I had absolutely no goals for the future, and no long-term plan as I didn’t think I’d actually be here past the age I was.

Her immediate concern told me that my feelings were valid.

In order to be classed as suicidal by the NHS, you don’t actually have to have made an attempt or plan. It can be anything from having regular thoughts of death or ending your life, to purposefully engaging in risky behaviours with no regard for consequence, such as drugs and alcohol. I've never made a physical attempt at suicide, but I know full well I am suicidal, or at least have been, falling into these categories.

Because I’d never made an attempt before talking to anyone, I felt like mentioning it would waste someone’s time, time that could be spent talking someone down from jumping off a bridge, or telling them to put the knife down. It took me far longer than it should have to realise that just because you have not made an attempt does not mean your suicidal feelings are any less valid, it still means you should seek help.

It is estimated that for every one person in the UK who kills themselves annually, there are another 278 people who have thought seriously about suicide, and about 60 others who survive a suicide attempt (Bethe1to).

 

Recognising how I felt a few weeks ago, I made the decision to self-refer myself again straight away. If you’ve ever had thoughts of taking your own life, I really urge you to seek help too - a lot can change in a short amount of time and it could be an early warning sign.

This year’s theme for World Suicide Prevention Day is ‘working together to prevent suicide,’ aiming to help more people recognise the warning signs and educating people how to show compassion and care towards those that may be affected.

We talk a lot about reaching out to friends that we’re worried about, and I have no doubt that anyone reading this would reach out to a friend if they were worried, but I strongly urge anyone suffering to also help people to ‘work together’ by communicating your feelings honestly and sincerely to people around you, so you can get the help you need. Most people who go through suicidal thoughts or survive an attempt will go on to lead a long and healthy life. As my friends have proved to me, it can get better.

 Suicide prevention hotlines: 

Samaritans - 116 123

CALM - 0800 58 58 58 

Papyrus - 0800 068 41 41 

SANE - 0300 304 7000