It's week FIVE in the Love Island villa - Dr Alex gets the cold schmoulder, Wes plays a 4-4-2, and Georgia will NOT be played!
Perhaps the strangest thing about Love Island is that it’s the only holiday based reality show where some contestants are swept away for a holiday within the main holiday – and that holiday becomes more stressful and high octane than a bungee jumping vacation where the airline loses the suitcase that had all of your harnesses in it.
We’ve just about managed to endure the hell of Casa D’amour, Savannah, Charlie W, Jordan and Dean have been kicked out before they managed to amass enough dirty underwear to fill a laundry bag, and Ofcom have been summoned.
So far, the episode in which Dani was shown heavily edited footage of Jack's reunion with Ellie has attracted over 2,500 Ofcom complaints. To put it into perspective, that’s as if every single person in your old school, and the rival school, sat down and filled out a form. Think about how few people managed to get it together to acquire a signed slip from their parents to get a coach to the Science Museum – yet found the time to sit down and do something about this. That’s how upset the nation is.
Happily Jack and Dani have been reuinited, and it feels so good. This is possibly because true love must be allowed to run its course... but more likely because the producers realised they had to diffuse the anger of the viewing public before we all turned up and blockaded Palma airport, meaning they’d have to deal with thousands of angry golfers to boot.
After implying that she’d rather eat diarrhoea on toast than talk to Ellie, Dani had a civilised afternoon tea with her nemesis, where they sipped what appeared to be Berocca cocktails, and Ellie told Dani about Jack’s fuccboi past. (Let’s all take a moment to remember Jack’s intro package, where he told us that he slept with so many women at the pen selling factory that he had to be moved into a separate building.) Ellie also revealed that Jack has a picture of Dani’s dad above his bed. It’s a canvas print from one of Danny’s films (rather than a 10 x 8 of Danny in a heart shaped frame) - but still. To provide yet more perspective bringing stats, Danny’s 2013 film Run For Your Wife took £602 at the box office on its opening weekend. I daresay Danny does not adorn the walls of many young men.
Dr Alex continues to confuse and disappoint us, revealing that his entire understanding of women and flirting is based on the episode of Friends where Ross tells the pizza delivery girl that gas has no fragrance, but “they put the smell in.”
He keeps telling newbie Grace that he reckons the way to her heart is “schmouldering.” Adam “schmoulders.” “Actually I think he just stares,” explains Grace. But Alex keeps going with his dodgy Sean Connery impression – it’s as if he’s never seen a Bond film and has based his entire understanding of Sean Connery on watching his eight-year-old cousin during a game of charades.
Alex bangs on about how much he likes spending time with his family, oblivious to Grace’s sad statements. She’s not that close to her family, and whenever she gets a day off she spends it doing “maintenance” – as in sunbeds and eyelashes, rather than getting to grips with the thing that’s making the weird noise under the sink.
Alex, if you asked her about her family or what she would do with her free time if she didn’t feel obliged to be perma-tanned, you might get somewhere.
Isn’t it weird how you can be clever enough to get straight As at A level, and yet have slightly less emotional intelligence than the daybed you’re sitting on?
Alex’s crap spy impressions continued as he’s tasked with luring Megan to the kitchen for Wes - who has made the executive decision to play the island like he’s in the World Cup or, perhaps, a Kerplunk tournament.
Wes gathers the boys and announces that he’s going to graft hard for Ellie AND Megan. He takes Ellie up to the terrace and makes her feel like the only girl in the world - and as soon as he sees her pupils dilate into starbursts, he snakes off and waits for Alex to bring Megan to him and does exactly the same thing.
Weirdly Alex is much more comfortable when he’s assisting Wes with his graft. He spots Ellie on his way back from the kitchen, and later, explains his actions as if he’s taking part in a documentary about rescuing orphans with a helicopter, which caught fire. “I knew that if Ellie went into the kitchen, it was game over for Wes!” Would that it was, Alex. Would that it was. Alex 2.0 clearly knows what Wes is up to, and simply stares the camera down through his spectacles like an old school psychiatrist who will maintain eye contact for 40 minutes until their client bursts into tears and admits to fancying their Mum.
Georgia is on a very different sort of mission, and drags Kaz off for a power chat. She sets the tone by repeatedly calling her Kez. “Sorry, I don’t know why I keep calling you Kez! Anyway, Kez…” She then explains that she’s very happy for Kaz and Josh and thinks they will have a long and lovely life together until Josh gets distracted by some boobs drawn on a wall, or a jar of honey featuring a cartoon bee with long eyelashes. Kaz reports back and tells Josh that she finds Georgia “condescending.” Which she absolutely is. But we’re still on her team.
Biggest grafter: Wes would love this, but the award goes to Georgia for grafting for her own reputation and self-esteem. We heart her hustle. Dr Alex gets a commendation for making being a human look like such hard work.
Most melty: Jack and Dani, together at last! Please don’t mess this up! JUST. GIVE. THEM. THE. FIFTY. GRAND.
Pie time: Possibly Josh. Give a pie, get a pie.
