Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner JACK MAN....and Dani....
Poor, poor Laura. Her luck is so utterly terrible that we’ve reached the point where, if we boarded a plane and saw her in the queue ahead of us, we would immediately disembark and miss our holiday. Even if we were going on honeymoon. I cannot work out why New Jack, with his 15 word vocabulary and his tendency to look like a shark in a cheap human costume that he bought from an aquatic joke shop, would think that he ‘could be happier’ with someone other than Gorgeous Laura. Jack with his hairline that makes him look as though he should be parading outside Buckingham Palace with a humourless expression and a musket.
To be with Stephanie! Stephanie! Who said “Have you finished it?” as though she was nagging Jack to renew the car insurance. Could be happier! Pah! Jack spends the night on the sofa, announcing “I woke up this morning…” and you’d wrecked your back through a lack of supportive mattress? “…and I knew I’d done the right thing.” BOOOOO.
In ‘is there no end to his bastadry’ news, New Jack is cracking on with New Laura, which is pretty hideous. If you’re going to try pull someone in full view of your ex, it might be polite to pick someone with a different name. New girl Stephanie is trying very hard to put paid for this, turfing New Laura off her own bean bag in order to do some seriously unsubtle flirting.
“The difference between Laura and I is that she’s such one of the lads, I’m one of those typical girls, I feel as though if I did what she’s doing, everyone would be like ‘she’s begging it hard’”, says Steph, begging it hard. She begs off, and Jack snogs Laura. “I don’t think we should tell anyone about this,” he says immediately afterwards, which proves he is both rude and extraordinarily stupid, because he knows he is being filmed for national telly. He is also stupid because he thinks you can surf in Croydon.
While I’m complaining about the men of the island, it’s time for my traditional rant about Dr Alex. You could set your watch by it, if your watch is a hot digital disk that doesn’t actually tell time, but spins, flashes and emits a constant honking alarm that bleats ‘RAGE, RAGE’. Dr Alex once described Alexandra as “an Amazonian princess, like Wonderwoman” and creepily stared at her as though he was a tabloid photographer who had just spied a nipple through a privet hedge. But a whiff of New Laura’s salt spray and he’s off! Dr Alex isn’t even getting any better at chat.
He’s wooing New Laura with some truly terrible lines about how he once watched a film about surfing while he was skiing. Clearly he is on the very brink of telling her, a professional surfer, how to do her job because of something he saw years ago after a pint of Jaegerbombs. I bet he only watched the film because his friends wanted him out of the way as he kept accidentally maiming them with his fondue fork. Dr Alex goes on to take offence when Alexandra says she doesn’t want to be treated like an option. “I don’t like that phrase.” Which is a bit like saying “I don’t like the word ‘fired’, but I am asking you to leave the company.” On the subject of fire, Alex has a hairdryer fetish, seemingly for the warmth, which might explain why he is so keen to get sunburned.
Dani and Jack are very upset about this new development. I don’t know what’s more tragic. Seeing Alexandra attempting to be brave in the face of heartbreak or watching Jack’s dinner party dreams turn to dust. The producers must sense their disappointment because Jack and Dani have the ‘opportunity’ to cook dinner for the whole villa! “We’re on a budget n’all!” says Jack, gleefully. “We’re saving for our mortgage!” What’s that weird, warm, stickiness around our feet? Just the giant puddle created by the collective melting of the nation’s hearts!
What then happens is that we discover neither Jack nor Dani have ever been in a supermarket before. Dani has to do a pornographic mime in order to buy chicken breasts from the butcher counter. “I’ve never seen cheese like it, it’s massive!” she squeals, pointing to a wheel of brie. Who knew that Danny Dyer would be the sort of parent who thought it was important to shelter his children from dairy? Jack is very taken with a tinned product called ‘Fishy Dani’, strangely, Dani is less excited about this.
Things take a turn for the worst when Jack eats all of the crisps that were intended to be pre dinner villa nibbles, and then announces “Dani has done a lovely job on the salad!” implying he did all the hard work and didn’t just stand about shovelling Doritos into his gaping maw. Not cool, Jack. At the end, Dani says, tearfully “I don’t think I ever want to cook for 16 people ever again.” No-one does, hun. Not even professional chefs.
Obviously we need to talk about Georgia Loyal McLoyalty card. Firstly, she proved how loyal she is by electing to split up with Sam and stay in the villa. Now she’s showing that she’s loyal to the rules by sneaking off to do illegal bits with Sam. Georgia is mostly loyal to the idea of winning £50,000 and scoring a lucrative endorsement deal with boohoo.com. However, New Josh wants to have “fit” babies with her. I think we need to keep a close eye on G, and who she’s popping into the bathroom with…
Biggest grafter: Stephanie’s bean bag work might not have borne fruit, but my goodness, that girl put the effort in.
Most melty: I’m shipping Paul and Old Laura hard. PleasePleasePleasePleasePLEASE let them get what they want. And let that be each other.
Pie time: It’s time to pie the pie man. Sod off, Dr Alex, and take the hairdryer with you.