Internet cafes are a strange phenomena. They’re sort of like phone boxes – once a necessity in day-to-day life, now just kind of… still there. Hanging about. In case you ever need one.
Thanks to most people having a super-computer in their pocket, you would think those who use internet cafes would have become a niche subgroup, but the truth is that actually a lot of people DO still need one. Like me and every other Gen Z-er who doesn’t own a printer and straight up refuses to buy one when the place down my road will charge me 75p for 400 colour copies. And while the internet is so readily available to many of us, it’s pretty easy to forget some people don’t have access to it at home. In 2016 the UN announced that access to the internet is a basic human right, which may sound a bit dramatic, but in a world that exists increasingly online, not having access is more than just annoying, it’s horrible. It means missing out.
Why would I buy a printer when the place down my road will charge me 75p for 400 colour copies?
So web cafes may feel like an adorably out-of-date concept, but for some people they provide a sense of freedom and community that they wouldn’t have without them. Also they’re delightfully consistent. I’m usually in and out in about five minutes and yet every time I’ve been, the same things happen without fail...
1. Someone is shouting at the computer
Hard to tell if the computer isn’t working properly or they’re just having a shouting match with someone on Skype. Maybe both? Either way they’re full on screaming and it’s hella uncomfortable for everyone else in the cafe. Do you ignore it? Do you tell someone? Do you come back later? Just keep your head down and focus on why you came he- oh God now they’re breaking stuff… nope this is too much just come back later.
2. You will freak out about getting your identity stolen after you leave
Anyone else triple check they’ve logged out of every possible email account they have on every single internet browsing service available on the computer? Just me? Cool.
3. The keyboard will gross you out
Chances are your own personal keyboard is already pretty gross. Now imagine if you’d been sharing your keyboard with hundreds of strangers since 2004, and never cleaned it. Grim. Obviously there some exceptions (we have to believe there are exceptions), but the majority of keyboards I’ve used seem like they haven’t been cleaned since the dot com boom. Hopefully that's just Sunny Delight making the keys sticky.
4. You have no idea how much it’s going to cost
Is it gonna be 40p or £12.50? Who knows? That’s all part of the fun! You sit there printing stuff off, opening up emails, thinking you can feel your wallet getting lighter. Fuck, you’ve accidentally printed something double sided – that’ll cost you. Then it comes time to pay, you go to the counter, and the guys says “£1.63 please”. You’re shook. It’s 2018 and you’re in central London. How has any service cost less than a fiver? Is this Brexit? Should you print out that 50,000 page screenplay you wrote when you were 17 while you’re here? (You shouldn't, it hasn’t aged well).
5. You seriously question the accuracy of the word ‘cafe’
A quick Google has shown that a lot of internet cafes serve food and drinks, but I’m gonna assume Google is lying and they don’t actually exist. Because the only food I’ve ever seen in an internet cafe is whatever the person before me has left all over the keyboard.
6. Someone's always watching porn
Literally every time I’ve been to an internet cafe there’s some guy watching porn or looking at something which is super close to being porn. These guys are never actually ‘doing’ anything so I guess they just sit there committing it to memory? Or they just have time to kill? Either way I’m just trying to print out some CVs man, don’t make this weird. Respect the sanctity of the internet cafe.
