The realm of dating is a funny one, especially in the 21st century. So many things to consider. Who should text first? When is it too early to start liking all of their pictures? Do they reinforce the ideologies of rape culture? You know how it is.
Being someone who is socially aware makes it all that bit more difficult. One of the first memories I have of dealing with boys who had problematic views was when someone told me I was “too black” for them. We both enjoyed going to galleries and museums but he didn’t like it when I would delve into "stereotypical black things", such as speaking in slang or going to parties playing mainly ‘black’ music (ps. he was also black, which only made it more infuriating).
It’s hard enough trying to find someone who will compliment your emotional needs, is willing to build with you and is someone you find attractive. Adding someone’s social views to the mix is hard. And I can’t find out someone's political standpoint on Tinder, so what is a girl to do? I mean, when exactly is the most appropriate time to ask someone if they want to dismantle racism with you?
Someone I was briefly talking to told me he doesn’t believe 'feminism is needed in the UK', and it’s safe to say any prospect of date number two flew out of the window right there and then.
Confession: I’ve never been in a serious relationship and this is partly because I am picky AF and the notion of settling terrifies me. Despite this, I’ve had my fair amount of situationships which have usually ended – either because ‘it’s not me, it’s them’, or the ever-common ‘right person, wrong time’ – but I suppose you have to kiss a few frogs before meeting your prince. And though the character of the boys I’ve dated can be questioned, most of them shared something in common: their awareness of social issues.
The dates I’ve been on have ranged from going to political rallies to watching Moonlight; their levels of wokeness could not be shaken. We spent a majority of our time speaking about social issues not because I forced them to but because this was a shared interest. As I’ve grown in my journey of being socially aware this has become an increasingly important factor in what I need in a partner. Which has brought awkwardness to my ‘dating’ life (even though it’s pretty much non-existent).
When I’ve been on dates with men I try my hardest to figure out where they stand on the Woke-O-Meter without trying to come off too strong. Someone I was briefly talking to told me he doesn’t believe 'feminism is needed in the UK', and it’s safe to say any prospect of date number two flew straight out of the window. Meanwhile a friend of mine told me a boy she was speaking to found out she was a virgin and said “that’s wife material right there”. She stopped speaking to him there and then also.
The difficulty comes in knowing when and how to ask these questions. Nijilan, 23, says, "I feel awkward being upfront about how important their social and political stances are to me, for the fear of seeming too intense”. But there are some ways of testing where someone stands socially while staying coy. The first way is by asking specific questions. For example: who did you vote for in the general election? This gives you a quick summary of where they stand politically which usually tells you where they stand on social issues. Or asking them what they think of a current topic, eg. the #MeToo movement. Though the communities of socially aware individuals are quite small, this seems to be an issue for a lot of people; especially women. Gal-Dem's ‘Woke Men Only’ series deals with exactly this too.
"I'm all about mutual respect, not some guy who clearly has issues with his ego and taints my vibe with his toxic masculinity."
Samia, a Geography student at the University of Greenwich, also feels an ethical burden whilst dating – and she places importance on how a man speaks about other people. “I get turned off when guys say unnecessary degrading things about certain types of people. Like, I really don't like it when guys degrade other women as a way to compliment me,” she says. “I have dealt with guys who pretend they want to discuss a topic but they just want to shout over me. They don't want to learn, they just want me to keep quiet and listen to them. I'm all about mutual respect, not some guy who clearly has issues with his ego and taints my vibe with his toxic masculinity.”
When I tell people that I want to date someone who is socially conscious, I get one of two responses. "But isn’t that boring?" or "so you want someone who agrees with you all the time?" No and…. no. It’s not boring. Though we may see the world through the same lens, we’re still two completely different individuals. Many people have different interests to those of their partners, which still allows them to learn from each other. It’s not so much about having someone who agrees with me, but rather someone who can empathise with my experience. I’m a black woman, meaning every day of my life as one is political. It’s imperative for my peace that I can be with someone who is willing to learn and understand the racism, sexism and misogyny that affects me.
When I tell people that I want to date someone who is socially conscious, I get one of two responses. "But isn’t that boring?" or "so you want someone who agrees with you all the time?"
I’ve recently just finished reading the brilliant Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race by Reni Addo Lodge, and what I took away from the book is the importance of creating boundaries for yourself. “I don’t have a huge amount of power to change the way the world works, but I can set boundaries. I can halt the entitlement they feel towards me and I’ll start that by stopping the conversation. This balance is too far swung in their favour. Their intent is often not to listen or learn, but to exert their power, to prove me wrong, to emotionally drain me and rebalance the status quo," she writes.
Lodge doesn’t want to explain and exhaust herself daily by having conversations about race with people who simply don’t care to understand her point of view. And this is how I feel about dating. Regardless of who I date and their background, chances are I will be raising children that may share the same social experiences as me. Whoever I settle down with will need to be consciously aware of the world we live in and all its complexities, and that is not something that I’m not willing to compromise on. If you feel the same, you shouldn’t either.
Illustration: Hannah Balogun
