It's week 6 in Love Island 2018, and Daisy Buchanan's wondering if there's any point trying to predict what's next...
This exercise is getting increasingly pointless. Who could have predicted that Adam and his beads would be kicked off the island so quickly? Or that Georgia, former bff to all, would become a human ‘off to steal your man’ meme over the course of the weekend? Or, most shockingly of all, that Old Jack could cook spaghetti Bolognese?!
We’ve forgiven heartbreaker Josh because he’s so, so cute with Kaz, we’ve seen Wes and Megan start to look strong and stable, and we’ve even become fascinated with Dr Alex and Grace and the fact they have less chemistry than a burgled science lab.
Here’s what we’re expecting to see in week six - although the only thing that's certain is that Jack’s toenails will continue to grow…
1. Georgia’s redefinition of the word “loyal” will cause consternation among scholars, and the Oxford English Dictionary will be withdrawn and rewritten. From now on, the word “loyal” will be accompanied by a picture of Georgia’s face and the description “Loyal: ˈlɔɪəl/; One who shafts her mates and cracks onto their boyfriends but swears blind that it’s all in the name of friendship.
2. Josh’s old Geography teacher will make a statement admitting that he’s really a Maths teacher who got carried away doing a supply job, and it’s his fault that Josh seems to believe Solihull, in the West Midlands, is actually somewhere in North Yorkshire.
3. Wes’s parents will get the wrong end of the stick about Megan’s old job, and they’ll make plans for her to take the old paint off their hall banisters.
4. Grace will burn down the hideaway, graffiti the kitchen with slanderous slogans about Dr Alex’s penis, and shave off her own hair. And absolutely no-one will notice.
5. The truth about That Kiss will finally be revealed by Gareth Southgate – who will be universally applauded for being an all-knowing hero, and given the £50,000.
6. Hayley will finally understand about Brexit, when protesters from all over Southern Europe come together and protest about the boys’ dodgy hybrid French/Spanish/Italian accents.
7. JacknDani will go on a double date with Kaz and Josh – aka Kash. It will be the most cheerful and romantic episode of anything ever screened on television. Together, they will make plans to go to a lovely quiet villa in Marbella the moment the series is over.
8. Laura will make one last attempt to win back Jack, offering him a go on her very best felt tip pens, her break time Iced Gems and a game on her friend’s Playstation.
9. Interfering Ellie will break into the Hideaway the next time it’s in use, offering unsolicited sex tips and lukewarm cans of Fanta.
10. Josh will beg the producers for some glue and safety pins, and every member of the Do Bits Society will be issued with a special bag and hand book, or “Handy book”.
11. The Islanders will get some unexpected football updates when a plane comes and skywrites “it’s coming home!” above the villa. The confused Islanders will think it’s an instruction, and troop off to Palma airport.
12. Dani will turn on Georgia after she’s discovered at the bottom of their bed with a pair of nail clippers, attempting to sort out Jack’s toenail situation once and for all.
Most likely to leave the villa next: Laura – because she’s having an awful time in there and she needs a proper holiday. I think we should set up a Just Giving page to send her to a spa. In Las Vegas.
Most likely to threaten the very existence of the Do Bits Society: The DHS – the Dry Hump Society. The gloves are off, the pants are on, and everyone is chafing.
