In her last Love (Island) Forecast of 2018, Daisy Buchanan puts her money on a Danny Dyer cameo...
I am writing this after reading a mysterious press release that claims “While Over A Third Of The UK Describe Themselves As ‘Fairly Health-Conscious’, 5% Believe Regular Doses Of Arsenic Would Be Good For Them”. (I must point out that it really, really wouldn’t – please, no arsenic in your kale and birch water smoothie.) But this summer, watching Love Island regularly has sometimes felt like ingesting a dose of poison every single day, in the blind belief that it is somehow necessary and important. It’s the beginning of the end. We have one more week to go. In the last two months I have Googled “Restylane” a thousand times (and various permutations – “Cheap Restylane”, “Restylane without friends family noticing” “Can Restylane go in your bum?” “Does my dentist have Restylane?”)
I have fought, tearfully, for a whole morning, with an internet stranger in Cincinnati who believed that Adam – remember? – was simply an example of a man’s primal need to chase and not the worst example of toxic masculinity since Heathcliff stropped across a moor. I have been rendered so angry and frustrated by Dr Alex that I have considered turning my back on the whole medical establishment and administering my own treatments with a cotton pad drenched in TCP and a ballpoint pen. So help me, I’ll inject my own Restylane!
Still, I have grown accustomed to my poison of choice, and I will miss my daily little deaths before bed. Here’s my last set of weekly predictions – if I get nothing else right, I’m certain that this is the week that we’ll get to see Danny Dyer…
1. Jack and Dani will be visited in the villa by some furious Majorcan policeman, having forgotten to pay for those hilarious tins of Fishy Dani that they found during their supermarket expedition. A visiting Danny Dyer will overreact to the situation and end up in prison after calling the cops “FAHKIN’ MAGS!” and throwing them into the villa pool.
2. The girls will turn on Dr Alex, after discovering that every single hairdryer in the property has been hidden under his bed. No-one will be able to get their make up to set.
3. Wes and Megan will find themselves in the middle of a very embarrassing conversation with the cleaner when their sneaky midday “spoon” is interrupted by someone wielding a vacuum cleaner and screaming. Jack will be summoned to help, with his fluent Spanish. This will lead to an international incident and the escalation of Brexit.
4. The Society For The Ethical Treatment of Horse Toys will issue a very angry statement in response to the Ladies’ Day challenge. In order to make amends, the producers will force the penitent Islanders to attend a mass Alan Partridge style date at the local donkey sanctuary.
5. During the lie detector test, Dr Alex will be forced to reveal that when he put Alexandra’s hand down his shorts, she was actually touching a giant chorizo that he had nicked from the kitchen.
6. The makers of Calippo will take legal action about the fact that their product was referred to as an “ice cream” even though it contains no dairy products. A Calippo scientist will then go into the lab and work day and night on a brand new version featuring an ice cream element. This will be announced and released into the world with great fanfare until someone says “Hang on, isn’t that just a Twister?”
7. Jack will become the new face of Sharpie, after his sales pitch caused pen sales to go up by 900 per cent. The bottom will fall out of the printer ink market, and Jack will be hailed as a hero for our times.
Most likely to leave the villa next: I have a spooky feeling that we might be about to see the back of New Laura – not because she’ll get voted out, but because she’ll feel the call of the ocean, and go off to meet her plucky, poverty stricken friends who will help her to avoid the charms of a creepy quarterback, and compete in the big surf competition in Hawaii …ah, hang on, that’s Blue Crush.
Most likely to draw on a banana with a biro: Everyone left in the villa, because they need to do something with the many, many pens that Jack has persuaded them to buy.
