It’s easy to see relationships as being pretty binary.
On one end you have the purely physical “I just want to fuck you” arrangements, and on the other you’ll find committed and loved up couples. Most young people have probably occupied at least one side of this binary before, but what about all the space in the middle? What about relationships where you’re not exclusive, but it’s more than just sex? What about friends with benefits?
Having been single for almost four years I’m a big believer in one night stands as a way to satisfy any sexual desires. But when you’re single, it’s not just feeling horny that you need to find a solution to; having other needs is only natural. Casual sex is fun, but I also love intimacy, forming a strong bond, spooning and waking up next to someone – things normally only a relationship could offer. And why should I be denied these things just because I haven’t found someone to settle down with yet?
I’ve known Jacob since last February after meeting him on Tinder. I fancy him a lot, spending time with him is always fun and in terms of sex … well, there’s definitely no complaints there. Emotions are obviously involved; I care a lot about him and do feel attached, and I have to admit have felt jealousy in the past over him with other girls. That’s natural when you’ve been sleeping and spending time with someone you like for a long time. The thing is, I don’t want Jacob to be my boyfriend.
"With one guy I'd go round his quite late and we'd just watch a film together and sometimes not even have sex"
It’s fair to say I’m not that great at the whole dating game. Perhaps I’m being harsh on myself, but I just don’t think I’m cut out for it. I struggle to trust men when they seem to be interested in me, which leads to a few problems: I become clingy and try too hard, overthinking everything which inevitably doesn’t work out that well. But when it comes to arrangements like my one with Jacob this isn’t a problem. I know exactly where I stand with him, so I’m more relaxed – if he doesn’t text back that’s no problem. If there’s no time to meet up it’s not a big deal.
And Jacob has a fairly similar attitude to FWB arrangements despite our motives for seeking one differing: “I guess it’s mostly a time factor for me,” he says. “I have a full time job and work basically full time hours in music outside of that. So I don’t really have time to go through all the motions of what a ‘proper’ relationship brings. I still have needs, I still want to hug, fall in love, have sex, be close with someone. I love having that – but without all the other strings attached.”
FWB can also be great arrangements for those who simply don’t want a partner, as fellow FWB follower Jenny explains. “It can be a kind of pseudo-relationship that doesn't tie you in,” she says. “They've [FWB have] always been more than purely sex for me – with one guy I'd go round to his quite late and we'd just watch a film together and sometimes not even have sex. It was just nice to have someone to hang out with in that way but you know you're still free to ultimately do what you want.”
This freedom is something everyone mentioned when talking about their FWB to me, and I’m the same. I can enjoy the relationship I have with Jacob but I can still go out and hook up with other guys; and more than that, despite being admittedly bad at dating my FWB doesn’t stop me seeking someone I do want something more with. And during the periods I’ve met someone I like as more than a hook-up or a FWB, Jacob will inevitably drop off the scene.
"They're more like best friends that you occasionally have sex with"
And perhaps this is one of the negatives to a FWB relationship. “The only downside is that it’s difficult to carry on being friends afterwards,” Jenny tells me, describing how she was good friends with one of her FWB from university, but who doesn’t really talk to her any more after she told him she was seeing somebody. Indeed friendship, as well as freedom, was another staple in the FWB conversation. “I don’t consider anyone I know to be a fuck buddy. They’re just people that I see, people that I want to see when I have the time. They’re more like best friends that you occasionally have sex with.”
I consider myself extremely close to a lot of my friends, but there’s something about the level of intimacy you have with a FWB which brings with it a different kind of friendship. I look back at conversations I’ve had with FWB in the past and realise how open and vulnerable I’ve been with them. There’s no feelings of being self-conscious or embarrassed, or wanting to impress like there might be in a typical relationship or friendship.
Of course, these arrangements aren’t perfect and involve a bit of a tightrope act when it comes to working out your emotions. But like any relationship and friendship, it comes down to communication: you have to be honest about what you want and how you feel, or you risk getting hurt or hurting someone. In the past I haven’t been clear about my intentions and desire to remain single, and in the process hurt someone. It’s something I still feel guilt and regret over today.
So although movies and media might tell us that it’s impossible to be a FWB without it ending in love or heartbreak, I believe that stereotype is being proved wrong. People are entering the middle space within the relationship binary and finding arrangements which work for them in non-traditional ways. While FWB relationships might always illicit some raised eyebrows and accusations that they’re simply “fucked up relationships” or a “get out of jail free cards” when it comes to commitment, we shouldn’t feel any shame in having them. They offer a chance for a meaningful relationship with someone without the pressure of it being forever – because hell, why should everyone we like have to be the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with?
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