Avengers: Infinity War is one hell of a ride
This is crazy, apparently watching a movie can give you allergies; when I walked out of the UK screening of Marvels Avengers: Infinity War, my eyes were weeping and I appeared to have lost my voice.
I truly wish I’d been better prepared for this emotional roller coaster of a movie, so let’s make sure that you are better equipped than I was.
Here’s a list of 13 things you’ll need in order to survive this ride...
1. Friends
Do not watch this on your own as you will need someone to turn to and ask all important rhetorical questions like, “What in the fook just happened there” and, “Did you just see what happened there.”
2. Friends
Yes, I know I already told you that you need friends, but you’ll need friends who won’t ask you stupid questions like, “Who’s the black guy?” because they’ve only seen Black Panther off the back of its hype and are only here for this film because they saw Wakanda in the trailer. Make sure the friends you choose to see this wonder with are up to date.
3. Sleep
Even though it’s only two-and-a-half hours long (imagine this is now standard running time for a movie), it’s bloody draining, as the adrenaline required to handle everything that takes place in this epic masterpiece will make you feel like you were fighting the big purple guy yourself.
4. Noiseless snacks
This is probably the most important thing in your survival kit. Nobody wants to hear you opening a pack of crunchy ass crisps during a really important arc in the movie. Ask yourself - do you really want to be the person everyone tuts and huffs at (got to love British passive aggressiveness) because they can’t hear Rocket's snide remarks under his breath and they miss out on laughing along with the rest of the audience? So no crunchy snacks, no packets of Haribo that will rustle, and no slurping the bottom of the small Fanta you ordered. Stop being cheap and order a large so you don’t have to disturb anyone by going to get another.
5. Tissues
For the allergies... Don’t ask me anymore questions about the damn allergies.
6. A therapist
When it’s over you’re going to need to talk to a professional about what you’ve just witnessed. I’m trying to find a way to explain this with without breaking the silence I swore to Thanos.
7. Support
Immediately after watching the film, we set up a chat room to support each other and make sure that nobody decided to go over to the dark side (i.e. rom coms) as they’d be easier on the emotions than what Marvel and Disney had just done to us.
NOTE: Disney haven’t made me feel this way since they shot Bambi’s mum with no warning. Yes, it's that deep.
8. An empty bladder
Listen, from the moment the film starts (which is without warning at all, it’s just straight into the action), to the moment it ends, you are not given a moment to go and get that litre of Fanta out of your system.
9. Back story knowledge
Oh, you thought I forgot that YOU may be the friend who only just got in on the MCU? Nope! Make sure that you have at least seen... Actually, make sure you’ve seen ALL the movies that lead up to this point. It’s an entire story and you just won’t get certain things without seeing the prior movies. Yes, it’s a lot of hours to dedicate, but dedication is what’s needed as you need to be emotionally invested to really get it.
10. Expensive cinema tickets
Download with out of sync audio and fuzzy colours on your little 32 inch screen (or worse still, 13 inch laptop) is NOT an option. The movie is just fooking beautiful and you need to be able to see every single pixel of every single back hand that gets handed out. And you need to hear those same back hands so loud that you can feel them. (This point is not sponsored by IMAX, but if they’d like to sponsor my second viewing there will be no arguments).
11. Patience
Don’t be one of these numpties who walks out of Marvel movies as soon as the credits start to roll. Sit down, enjoy the music, and marvel at the sheer number of people involved in bringing you this Marvel (yup, I said Marvel twice on purpose).
12. Avoid spoilers
You want to know as little as possible before stepping into this so that you can turn to those friends I told you to bring along and stare at them in shock. So if anyone attempts to tell you anything about this film, slap them. It’s legal, trust me.*
*Actually, don’t trust me, I’m not going to court with you.
13. Pre-register for tickets for Ant-Man and The Wasp
After watching Avengers: Infinity War you're going to need some answers, and as this is the next film on the Marvel calendar it might just have them.
