Love Island 2018 is incoming, and we are actually dying of excitement. Here’s what we’re hoping to see…
Is anyone else feeling like a total melt for their TV right now? Love Island is baaaaaaack, and what was last year’s sneaky sleeper hit has returned as the most anticipated TV of 2018.
We hardcore Island lovers are feeling pretty conflicted; on the one hand, how can this new series possibly match the magic of the one before? We won’t be crying with Chris, or, er, rapping with Chris. We’re not likely to see a gorgeous bomb disposal expert with the dulcet tones of Camilla Parker Bowles school someone with a sleazy side parting on the finer details of feminism. We’re not going to see Kem address the nation with a crocodile clip holding back his fringe. So why bother?
Well, because we’ve got a man who sells pens for a living, who can’t stop having sex with women! A nuclear scientist! A woman who dryly channelled Big Keith in The Office and claims that one of her biggest strengths is getting a 33 per cent discount as a shoe shop manager! AND Danny Dyer’s daughter... Dani Dyer!
To love Love Island, we’ve got to be prepared for some serious graft. We must warm ourselves up, like coals in a fire pit. We’re not going to come out of the gate with big bromances and brand new facts about hummus. Yet our love will not abate! We shall not get the ick! Love Island is a marathon, not a sprint, and we’re preparing for two whole months of love, laughter and swimming costumes that tan random triangles on your tummy.
Yes, there’s lots to look forward to. Here’s what we’ll be watching out for...
On the first night we’ll meet a surprise extra contestant – a famous pop star from the nineties that none of the other people in the villa will recognise. If we’re lucky, we’ll get Kavana or Adam Rickitt. Or, if everything goes horribly wrong for us, we’ll get someone so obscure even we won't know who they are…
A stationery company will attempt a misjudged sexist social media stunt, inspired by Jack the pen salesman. #birogate will be trending, alongside calls for a national boycott of ink. This will be resolved when one of the girls reveals that as an HD hack, she does her eyebrows with a Sharpie.
The first contestant to win the nation’s heart will be the one who whips out a bag of marshmallows during an especially pensive moment ‘round the fire pit.
There will be a national scandal when an old school friend of Laura, the '29-year-old Scottish air hostess' gets in touch with the tabloids to say that they did their GCSEs together in 2002, and isn’t it funny how a person can be 29 for three years?
A strange and improbable roster of celebrities will declare themselves to be massive fans of the Islanders sometime during Week Four. We’re hoping for Sir Ian McKellen, Meghan Markle, Fiona Bruce, the England cricket team, Richard Madeley and Oprah.
Theresa May will drop it into conversation in an attempt to relate to the youth, but will accidentally call it Romance Peninsula.
Wes, the nuclear systems design engineer, will be the victim of a series of terrible puns about controlled explosions, and whether he has a mushroom cloud in his pants or if he’s just pleased to see us.
During a complicated recoupling, someone will become the 'new' Muggy Mike. Regardless of what their actual first name is. Muggy Mike is an inheritable title, like Princess Michael of Kent.
Kem will be brought in to cut the Islanders’ hair and give them love advice. By the end of the series, every single one of the boys will have Kem’s initials shaved into their pubes.
After a few weeks, one of the Islanders will suddenly scream at Dani Dyer, “OH MY GOD, I’ve just realised that you have the same name as your Dad!”
Inspired by Bromans and Survival Of The Fittest, the producers will introduce a sports day themed challenge for the Islanders to undertake. At least one Islander will have a panic attack and get sent home, and three others will climb up a palm tree and need to be rescued by pedalo.
Piers Morgan will dedicate a whole morning of Good Morning Britain to slut-shaming the first girl to have sex in the villa. He will not say anything derogatory about the person that she has sex with.
Millions of non televised relationships will end due to grumpiness that has resulted from insomnia, as we’ll all be waking each other up in our sleep screaming “I’VE GOT A TEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXT!”
