What wonders does week 3 in the Love Island villa hold? Daisy Buchanan consults her crystal ball...
As Dani’s Dad might say, we’re all a bit discomfuckingbombulated after another week of human bombshells, revelatory bombshells and smelly beads.
Who could have predicted that Niall would leave us, that Adam would be able to make us stop hating him for a whole twelve hours, and that Alex - a man who keeps reminding us that he has a medical degree - would be so resistant to staying safely in the shade slathered in Ambre Solaire?
Perhaps the biggest surprise of all is how much Hayley is missed. Yes, she was very, very irritating, and not very nice, but the rest of us could use another cheering hour or two of Brexit Tree Chat.
Other surprises include Georgia’s continuing bid to be the most irritating person in the villa – it doesn’t matter how good you look in a bikini if you’re doomed to be the person that everyone else keeps on permanent mute on Whatsapp – and the publishing of Laura’s birth certificate. She really is 29, people! Stand down!
Here’s what we’re hoping to see in the villa this week…
1. Ellie will reveal that she’s not come to the Island for love, but for vengeance, as rumour has it that Adam brutally dumped her bff. She'll persuade Rosie to leave Adam, and force him to wear a large bell around his neck (to alert innocent women of his presence) and a sign that reads “FUCCBOI WARNING: APPROACH AT OWN RISK.”
2. Representatives from the World Health Organisation will turn up to the Island on a rescue mission, bringing a plane filled with crates of soothing aloe vera gel for Alex.
3. Georgia will catch a glimpse of her own reflection in the swimming pool and attempt to recouple with it.
4. Wes will go after new girl Ellie and ask her if she wants to take a look at his nuclear reactor. In response, Laura will go nuclear, and Wes will return to the bedroom and discover she’s taken nail scissors to all of his smart trousers.
5. After his successful breakfast making, Jack will announce that he’d like to leave his old, inky job behind and set up a restaurant called Le Grand Mug. Dani will refuse to let him put ham and cheese croissants on the menu.
6. Rosie’s sexy feminist awakening will lead to stimulating intellectual chats around the fire pit, including the problematic nature of Germaine Greer’s comments at the Hay Festival and the tyranny of eyelash extensions. Rosie will start to maintain a much more relaxed attitude to body hair – after all, why should the girls spend hours removing it when they boys don’t have to? - and convince everyone that working out every single morning is a commitment to a culture of body fascism. (The last one isn’t because of feminism, it’s because Rosie is smart enough to realise that she’d much rather sit on the sofa eating cold pizza.)
7. An enterprising sex toy company will release a brand new product called Adam’s Beads, sold using the tag line “Smell them!”
8. Alex’s little leap of joy will be misinterpreted by Eyal as a Tai Chi move, and Eyal will start throwing himself down the pool stairs as part of his mid-morning meditation.
9. New girl Zara will have a go on a tooth whitening kit, and then spend the next three days denying accusations that she’s been snogging Jack.
10. Josh, the only person in the villa who thinks Georgia is funny, will reveal that as a big comedy fan he’s frequently reduced to tears of hysterical laughter by Budget Day, burned toast and rail replacement bus services.
Most likely to leave the villa during the next recoupling: Samira... PLEASE send some hot boys in for her!
Most likely to leave the villa if someone else gets so irritated that they stick a luggage tag on her, tie her passport around her neck and stick her in a taxi: Georgia “I’m Georgia!” Steel.
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