It's week 5, and Daisy Buchanan is praying NOTHING will happen in this week's Love Island...
Island, I love you, but you’re bringing me down. The last week has sorely tested my patience, escalated my anxiety levels and left me without a fingernail to call my own.
Let’s be real - we’re being mugged off. The drama levels have gone from Hamlet to Battle Royale.
As we speak, darling Dani is weeping because she has been tricked and lied to, by the producers, for the sake of a bit of buzz. New girl Kazimir has barely said hello to anyone, and she’s had to have her toe in Wes’s mouth for the sake of five seconds of screen time.
The only remotely joyous, positive thing happening is occurring in Laura’s follicles, as her hair becomes thicker, shinier and stronger because she’s dumped Wes and she’s rebuilding her power base.
Here are this week’s predictions - although I wouldn’t mind if nothing happened, and we saw the Islanders simply enjoying each other’s company. I’m starting to forget why I want any of them to find lasting romantic happiness…
1. Wes will discover what Megan has been up to in Casa D’amour and try to come crawling back to Laura. Laura will toss back her newly glossy, luscious mane and laugh at him for a full ten minutes, until the tears come to her eyes.
2. Georgia will get revenge on Josh by asking him to suck her toes, after he sucked Kazimir’s. However, Georgia will dunk her foot in the toilet bowl first.
3. Protestors will storm the villa in order to demonstrate against the cruelty of separating Jack and Dani, and making Dani believe that Jack might not be over ex Ellie. Dani and Jack will have a tearful reunion in the hideaway, and they will be wrapped in foil blankets and given sugary tea and Kit Kats until normality is restored.
4. Megan will go missing in the night and be discovered next to the fire pit, snogging a pool float, because she just can’t stop kissing anything that stays still for long enough.
5. New Ellie will be put in charge of a Casa D’amour barbecue, to the confusion of absolutely everyone as she serves up cow-lamb, pig free bacon and mysterious sausages.
6. Adam will abandon Darylle when a helium balloon with a face drawn on it and a brunette wig balanced on tip floats over the wall of the villa. Adam will say “Ultimately, she’s my type, I can’t not explore this connection,” and the whole thing will literally blow up in his face.
7. Georgia will be awarded an OBE for kindness, after comforting Dani when her own love life is in turmoil. The Queen will come to the villa for a special ceremony. There will then be a ceremonial shouting at Adam, Wes and Josh.
8. Megan will reveal that she has completely misunderstood the meaning of the word “muggy”, and has assumed that every time she kisses someone new, she gets a free mug.
9. Dani will suddenly remember she has a phone that she can use to text Jack and find out exactly what’s going on. The mix up will be cleared up, they will immediately get the £50k, they will use it to throw a lavish wedding on the island and Adam will marry them, having become a priest and taken a vow of celibacy as a punishment for his destructive serial snuggery.
Most likely to leave the villa next: Wes – either because Megan will dump him, or because he’ll finally realise how badly he treated Laura, and he’ll go out of sheer shame.
Most likely to cause a national incident over the Dani/Jack fiasco: Danny Dyer, who will storm the villa alongside every single actor who has ever played a gangster in a straight to DVD film, demanding that his princess is immediately reunited with her one true love.
