Wes and Megan make it official, Dr Alex makes progress and Kaz makes trouble...
I have finally figured it out. It has taken me weeks and weeks to work out just what it is that the world sees in Dr Alex – especially when no real life women can seem to see it for themselves. I have seen men form greater emotional attachments to Matchbox cars than Dr Alex has with women. The conversation is better too.
Yet, we root for him like Tyra, we cheer when he manages to say a sentence with all of the words in some semblance of order, as though he’s the oldest and most awkward boy in the Infants, and not a qualified doctor, and we pretend not to notice when he talks to the other boys as though he’s Mark Corrigan making painful small talk with a plumber.
Dr Alex is Tim Henman. Think about it. Henman never, ever reached the finals of any Grand Slam, but we talk about him as though he invented tennis. Henman had a geographical landmark named after him. For a period of the nineties, Henman was a major league hunk – when he in reality, he looks like every single man who'd look up if you walked into a pub in Clapham when the rugby was on and shouted “JAMES!”.
Do we love Dr Alex because he is a manifestation of every single one of our own insecurities and romantic failures? Do we all see ourselves in someone who seems so confident about his intellectual status, yet isn’t quite smart enough to remember to put sunscreen on? Anyway, Dr Alex has been sent on a date with new girl Alexandra and nearly everyone inside and outside the villa wants them married by Michelmas. “She looks like an Amazonian princess,” Alex pervs, from his sun lounger. Georgia does not know what an Amazonian princess is. “You know, like Wonder Woman.” What does this make Alex? Secret Squirrel? Inspector Gadget?
Just two people are against this alliance. New boy Idris, and Kaz. Kaz told Idris that Alexandra thinks he’s “beautiful”, adding "You're two completely different people, let Alexandra make the decision herself. May the best man win." For suggesting that Alexandra might be the person who gets to decide who she wants to be with, Kaz has been branded a “snake” by the internet. Love you, internet.
However, Jack is a fan of the concept of Alex and Alexandra, dreamily murmuring “You can imagine people saying ‘Let’s get Alex and Alexandra round, they sound like a good team’”. We get a glorious glimpse into Jack’s downtime – there is a world in which he watches Jamie Oliver repeats on the Food Network and hopes that one day he’ll be in a couple who knows a couple, and he can have them over for prosecco, and chicken wrapped in ham while they compare strategies for coping with the Ikea car park. On that theme, please can we see some more of Jack and Dani’s domestic bliss? Don’t punish us for their romantic success! Let us share in their happiness!
Wes and Megan are also fully loved up. I’m trying really hard to get excited about this, but it’s a struggle. Partly because they both have form, and if someone projected a picture of a stick man on the side of the villa, they would both make a play for it – and we don’t want to put all of our hopes in a pair who are such a bad bet that they make Enron look like a good investment opportunity. Also, Megan keeps pouting and saying “Urghhh, I’m so awkward,”when she’s less awkward than the ambassador at a Ferrero Rocher dinner party. If Megan was truly awkward she could never have worked as a stripper because she’d have been fired for accidentally blinding customers every time she took her bra off.
Another love story that I can’t be bothered to get to the end of is Jack and Laura. Poor Laura has been so miserable for so long, and it’s all over New Jack – a chap who defies description because he hides all evidence of his personality. All we know is that he has ambiguous feelings for Georgia, and when his face is in repose he goes dead behind the eyes and looks a bit like a shark.
Laura was super subtle in the face of extreme provocation. “Look Alexandra, have you seen the new boys? New boys! Over there! No, don’t look at Jack, look at that…shadow over there! It’s shaped like a willy!” Unbelievably, there is still no resolution on the kiss issue. Georgia still says Jack kissed her, Jack still says she kissed him, the VAR technology has failed us and everyone is miserable. This will be in GCSE history textbooks as the most contentious issue of 2018. It makes Brexit look like the plot of Incy Wincy Spider.
Biggest grafter: It might not look very impressive but Dr Alex really is trying his very hardest - “I LIKE CARS! VROOOOM!” might be the biggest revelation he has made about himself to date, and it’s important to be authentic. Also, he managed to drink some of that fairly grim looking cocktail when he was attempting to woo Alexandra. Why do the producers think Berocca is a date beverage?
Most melty: Wes and Megan might be about to embark upon the greatest love of all – their respective grand passions for Wes and Megan, the ultimate self lovers.
Pie time: If New Jack goes, the island will be so much more chill. Think about it...
