In Daisy Buchanan's final Love (Island) Forecast of 2018, she predicts Costa frappes and shark jumping...
If Maths and memory serves, six eights make forty eight. So, assuming that you didn’t bother much with Aftersun or the Saturday show, or do anything more ambitious than make tea or have a wee in the ad breaks, you have spent two full days of your summer with the Islanders.
Two solid days of Megan’s pretend nerdiness, Laura’s actual anxiety and Dr Alex’s demonstrations of what it is like to be an emotional intelligence vacuum.
And in that time, we’ve seen tiny horses, massive fields, Agent Orange cocktails, questionable spaghetti and Uncle Bruv.
What an educational summer it has been! The time we have spent! The beads we have smelled!
We met Eyal, and we didn’t have to go to WOMAD! We met Megan, and realised that in 2018, society’s internalised misogyny is still so sticky and pernicious that we judge women on how they make money, how they spend that money, if it goes back into their faces, and who they kiss – when we should be simply judging them on how nice they are to OG Laura. We have all been more loyal to the island than Georgia has been to – well, anything.
As a reward, here are some predictions for tonight’s Love Island 2018 final...
1. When Jack and Dani are inevitably victorious, we’ll meet some other members of Dani’s family, clapping and cheering in the audience – Uncle Dad and Auntie Neighbour.
2. The bedroom will be cleared out, and someone will find millions and millions of unmarked twenties in suitcases under Dr Alex’s old bed – because he’s been hoarding the mystery Brexit money that’s supposed to be saving the NHS.
3. Georgia will come back for a reunion with her old Villa mates, and she’ll bring Costa frappes for everyone – acquired with a number of fully stamped loyalty cards.
4. Dani and Jack will have a La La Land moment, as they will be crowned the winners before furious producers run to Caroline Flack and tell her she’s made a mistake – it’s really Josh and Kaz. Confused and alarmed viewers will demand a second referendum.
5. Alexandra’s Mum will be brought in as a co-host, and eventually asked to sit in Parliament and present Newsnight.
6. Paul will make a shocking revelation and tell Laura that he’s actually 18, and he’s been trying to win her heart by swallowing unchewed Kettle Chips, in order to make his voice sound rougher and more mature. He’ll admit that he panicked briefly and thought that his cover would be blown when Jack discovered his secret stash of crisps and ate them all.
7. Eyal will briefly become the first person to make a million from his endorsements, post show – before he learns that he is being paid in prayer beads.
8. Adam will make a surprise appearance and tell us that he’s physically unable to have any more sex, so he’s moving to the Tibetan mountains and becoming a Buddhist monk. He will invite us to smell his robes.
9. The night will end when the villa is submerged in water and New Laura comes back on her surfboard, says “Now let’s party!” and jumps over a shark.
Most likely to live happy ever after: Jack and Dani. Was there ever any doubt?
Most likely to catch an incurable STI during their post show public appearance schedule: It has to be Dr Alex, if only for irony’s sake.
