As we begin week seven of Love Island 2018 there's a lot of questions that need answering; who will be the next to go? How will the new Islanders stir things up? And who knew the word 'loyal' could be so annoying?
I have been brainwashed. I nearly called this the Loyal Forecast. Hey, who’s watching Loyal Island? I, for one, am a loyal viewer, loyally going in for my seventh set of predictions, meeting my deadlines as an act of loyalty, not pausing for lunch, just sat here with my laptop eating a Burger King bacon cheese chicken Loyale, which I have wrapped in tin loyal.
People are very quick to criticise Millennials and young men and women for being entitled, obnoxious, and expecting prizes just for showing up. I thought that these people were being cruel and judgemental. Then I watched Georgia for several hours and started to wonder whether they had a point. Georgia seems to think that she is entitled to love, respect and prizes because she has managed to stay faithful for all but half a second of her time in the villa.
Georgia, I refer you to the joke about the builder, walking around his home town, saying “I built that house there, and that pub there, and that office there, and no-one calls me John the Builder. But you make love to one sheep, and…” Georgia’s personal branding skills are currently up there with Elon Musk’s. Unignorable. But for all the wrong reasons.
Now that I have been disloyal to one of my former favourites, it’s time to get on with the prediction business! Let me tell the island future by gazing into this mystical blue ball…oh, sorry, Dr Alex, didn’t see you there.
Georgia will become the face of the Caffè Nero loyalty card, and her picture will be used on the stamps that help you to claim your free soy latte.
The four new people (!!!) entering the villa will all be Danny Dyer. Danny Dyer will clone himself, in response to popular demand – partly because we want to see Danny in there and party because we simply cannot cope with any new faces.
Wes will have a post love chat panic and tell Megan that he has caught feelings for all four Danny Dyers. Megan will immediately make a move on Jack, taking off her bikini, jumping in his lap and saying “Oh, no, sorry, I must have fallen over! I’m so awkward!”
Caroline Flack will turn up to tell everyone that they have been simultaneously dumped from the island because Charlie has bought it. He’ll bring Ellie, who will spend the rest of her days rolling around on an enormous pile of matching cutlery.
Dr Alex will be called in for a telling off when it is discovered that he has left the beach club with 27 individually cellophane wrapped croissants stuffed down each leg of his long trousers.
Georgia will take charge of the next group activity and force everyone to dance “on their toes” for the first ever Love Island ballet. Called Swan Loyal, it will be the beautiful, romantic story of a girl called G who is just rilly, rilly like the most loyal, she’s never even been in a Waitrose because she loves Sainsbury’s so much, that’s how loyal she is.
Georgia will also draw a face on a pillow and leave it in bed between Jack and Dani, in order to push them off their loyal pedestal.
Josh and Kaz will creep into the lead as the sexy new favourites to win the £50,000. Jack and Dani won’t mind or notice – in fact, they’ll be found on their phones, voting for Josh and Kaz on the app.
Alex will have his first row with Alexandra when he gets sunscreen in his eyes and gets confused about which water bottle is his. Alexandra will resolve the issue by gently and patiently explaining how to apply Hawaiian Tropic.
Most likely to leave the villa next: It has to be Georgia, just because every time she says the L word, we feel a little bit less loyal towards her, and a little bit more likely to hit the button and hasten her departure.
Most likely to be having the best holiday ever: Samira and Frankie – hopefully they will be reconnecting and having the trip of a lifetime in a much more luxurious villa. Maybe they’ve sneaked back and barricaded themselves inside Casa D’amour…
